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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
It\'s clearly a budget. It\'s got a lot of numbers in it.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
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If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
In America, anybody can be president. That\'s one of the risks you take.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
When you\'ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I\'ve just learned about his illness. Let\'s hope it\'s nothing trivial.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
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If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
We don\'t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT\'S relativity.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don\'t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that\'s my position.
Emulate your heros, but don\'t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
It\'s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that\'s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
A man\'s only as old as the woman he feels.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.
Maybe this world is another planet\'s Hell.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI?!
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other\'s children.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
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I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
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Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
It\'s strange, isn\'t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go \'aaaaagghhhh\' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn\'t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
The truth is more important than the facts.
I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
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Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Build a man a fire, and he\'ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he\'ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
I don\'t pray because I don\'t want to bore God.
I\'m trying to see things from your point of view but I can\'t get my head that far up my ass.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I\'ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn\'t it.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can\'t remember what they are.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
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Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called \'Ego\'.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
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There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
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We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you\'ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn\'t your biggest problem.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people.
After I\'m dead I\'d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Devlin\'s First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin\'s Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I\'ve never tried before.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
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It\'s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
I don\'t pray because I don\'t want to bore God.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
You\'ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you\'ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn\'t your biggest problem.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, \'Where have I gone wrong?\' Then a voice says to me, \'This is going to take more than one night.\'
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
I have four children which is not bad considering I\'m not a Catholic.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
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A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn\'t over until everyone gets their cookies.
You\'re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Diplomacy is the art of saying \'Nice doggie!\'... \'til you can find a rock.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
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The internet is not something you just dump something on. It\'s not a truck. It\'s a series of tubes!
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn\'t get bigger or heavier.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I\'m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
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Everything that can be invented has been invented.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
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Jesus may love you, but I think you\'re garbage wrapped in skin.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
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Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
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I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they\'re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/24/(Tue) 21:26
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